The past couple days Jamie and I have been moving about as if in a fog. We’re not really “present” with the kids and are always distracted. Today, Jamie and I started coming out of our froggies. The altercation with Aunt Ellen has affected us deeply for different reasons. Jamie is very concerned about Maca (his grandmother) and and I keep wondering if this is payback for the way we kicked Michael to the curb. Granted, we took months and months of warnings, of talking to him about our expectations and many “second” chances, and Aunt Ellen decided to kick us out in the space of minutes, but I keep worrying and wondering. I think about Michael all the time and really think we failed him. So I keep second-guessing our actions and keep wondering where he is, if he is warm and safe and healthy.
The kids, on the other hand, are so resiliant that I had begun to wonder if they’d even noticed that we’re not at the farm anymore for all they seemed to care. The cheapie motels were completely booked the night we were frantically looking for lodging so we ended up at the Days Inn. The Days Inn has a lovely indoor pool and the kids are absolutely LOVING it. I had hoped to move to a cheapie but can’t take them away from the pool. It seemed like they didn’t even care about the farm and Jamie and I were moping around for nothing. I talked to them yesterday and found that they were all (except Ellen, who is so used to moving spontaneously that she didn’t even realize that Aunt Ellen had told us to leave) very angry at Aunt Ellen and didn’t want to have anything to do with her. We talked for a while; mostly me and the three eldest, but I hope Ellen absorbed some. We talked about not writing people off; that people make mistakes (and I goofed; Aunt Ellen was NOT drunk or drinking when she kicked us out and I made sure the kids understood that. Jamie tells me Aunt Ellen would be very upset at the kids thinking she was drunk) that she does love them and that just because someone does something incredibly stupid and hurtful, you don’t write them off. You’re very careful about how much you trust them, but especially if they are family, you simply do not write them off. So, Jesse is ok with being with her but Pikey, my black and white boy, cannot see any shades of grey in the situation. Sissy and Ellen are very negative about Aunt Ellen and do not want any contact with her. I’m hoping that with time and maturity they’ll forget or soften. I would like the kids to know their family but I will not allow any unsupervised time with Aunt Ellen. I cannot trust her with the children unless Jamie or myself are present. Since she has yet to initiate any contact, I can’t see that will be an issue.
In simply AMAZING news, however, Grandma Elinor showed up at the Days Inn, unannounced, and paid our entire bill! What an amazing gift! It was such a relief not to have to worry about getting the kids to a cheaper place and telling them the pool would be off limits. Thank you so much, Grandma Elinor!
3 responses so far ↓
1 Dr Paul // Oct 28, 2006 at 2:43 pm
“I think about Michael all the time and really think we failed him.”
Spoken like a true co-dependent. We probably trained all our kids well in this direction. I even went so far as to opine to the counselers your Mother and I went to that I thought most if not all of us were co-dependent, but they disagreed.
In any event, for what it’s worth, it’s more like Michael failed you and Jamie, Kitty.
But that’s not even it, no one “failed.”
Perhaps a better way to think about it is that you and Jamia had expectations for Michael that he was not able to fulfill, and Michael had expectations you and Jamie were not able to fulfill. That’s fair. You’re all 3 of you adults and each of you is the only one that has a perfect right to make choices as to how you’ll live.
Letting go of Michael is good practice for that day when you and Jamie will need to let go of your children.
love, dad
2 MB // Oct 28, 2006 at 2:57 pm
You have one smart Dad, Kathy. Makes me miss mine.
3 Michelle // Oct 30, 2006 at 1:49 pm
How sweet of Grandma Elinor - that part made me cry. We are eagerly awaiting your visit here with us in Minneapolis - and would take you sooner if we weren’t already promised to our visit with Slade’s mom. She survived watching the boys while Slade and I went to a spouse invited conference in Phoenix, it was a lot of laying around, reading, some horseback riding, and meeting new people. Our kids were kind to Ann and it sounds like they all had a good time bonding here. If she could handle more activity than our four boys I’d insist that you all get your butts here - especially with Halloween around the corner. But truthfully, it will be nicer to see you all without other visitors and I’m looking forward to having you all to ourselves.
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